I just finished rereading my note from last year. It was melodramatic, chaotic, and as I noted earlier, chimeric. I did not recognize the person who wrote that note, and I am glad about it. A year ago I found myself at a way-post, abandoned by people I cared a ton about, separated and scared from most of the others that remained, and confused with where I was going. Insane what kind of perspective a COVID riddled holiday season spent alone could drive.

Most of it was spent heads down working, and I couldn't be more grateful for it. Better the sweat and stress than the existential dread. Much happier that I know doing the most meaningful work of my life with people I'm immensely floored to work with. Really takes away a lot of the pressure, and makes it easy to make the most of it. Easy to feel like each minute of that is a minute well spent.

In many ways I'm exactly where I wanted to be. It's easier to see who my friends are, and thank god it's much simpler to spend time with them. I've made my peace with those who troubled me, and most importantly myself. I'm convinced that I'm someone worth loving, which really simplifies most things. Much easier when I'm loved by someone like C. I'm living in the present, I'm on my way to being healthier and happier, and I'm the type of person even my harsh 15y self could look up to. Not sure I could ask more out of this life.

Sure, there's a lot I am uneasy about. Uncertainty is an occupational hazard. My family and loved ones are all over the world, and I'm not generally the most accessible person. It's not in my nature to be secure or take things for granted, but I'm relieved that I've learned to live with that.

I hope this finds you as steady the next year, no matter the events that occur next. Consistency has never been your strong suit, and the hardest part isn't learning to do something, but doing it bigger and better the next. Whatever happens, isn't it all the same?

Writing this made me think of my fifth grade teacher. Every year she had all of us recite a poem to the class. Everyone got to pick a poem based off an assigned era of work, but she specifically asked me to pick If. It did speak to me at the time, but it has never resonated more with who I am right now. I hope she'd be proud.

No matter what, chin up, keep it up.